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Cher – “You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me”

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Oh, here we go–another Cher torch song. This one’s piano driven, and it reminds me of the intro to “Strong Enough,” but whereas that song morphed into an irresistible disco throwback, “You Haven’t Seen the Last Of Me” just simmers in its own feel-good pot, adding instruments and volume but never really going anywhere.

This song is from that moving diorama Burlesque, in which Christina Aguilera decides that she wants to remake Britney Spears’ cinematic classic “Crossroads” and the ghost of Cher rises from her glittery grave to give her womanly advice and self-esteem-boosting platitudes. “You can do it, baby, you’re gonna be a star,” Cher tells Christina for 119 minutes.

“Don’t count me out so fast,” Cher warbles. “I’ve been pushed way past the point of breaking. But I can take it. I’ll be back,” she adds, in case we haven’t yet grasped that one of the world’s biggest stars is supposed to be playing an underdog.

“Save your money, go see Showgirls,” Cher sings. Well, she doesn’t outright saythat, but you have to read between the lines. Really though, Burlesque is just a slightly less glitzy remake of Showgirls, only minus that scene where the rock star beats up the black friend and we the audience are supposed to be shocked instead of, you know, drunk and bored.

I think Hollywood has to make a movie like this every ten years, so that the old swishy queens have one more reason to get dressed up and traipse to the theater, ready to laugh and cry and maybe even learn something.

“You won’t see me beg,” Cher sings, but really, isn’t this whole song just begging for the listener’s attention? I believe in life after love, Cher, and I also believe that we have not seen the last of you. But above all else, I believe that’s part of the problem.

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